Do not read this.

Hi!

This is Uncle Steve. I am now the boss of this website. I hereby declare that no one shall read this site without my permission. To get my permission, please email me. What, you ask, is my email address? I cannot tell you. If you do not already know it, then you can’t contact me, and therefore you are not allowed to read this. If you are still reading this, WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? I ALREADY SAID YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED! PLEASE DISCONTINUE READING AT ONCE. By now, I am sure you are no longer reading. If you are, then you didn’t LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST SAID, SO YOU BETTER STOP NOW! IF YOU DO NOT STOP READING PAST THIS POINT, THERE WILL BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES.

WHAT? I am in a state of disbelief. After everything I have just told you, after all the warnings I’ve given, you are actually still reading! IMPOSSIBLE. How could you?

Well, let me give you a bit of information. The reason you absolutely must stop reading right now is that there is a very important secret at the end of this message, and you may not read it. If you did, it would no longer be a secret. For this reason, it is imperative that you cease and desist all further reading at this point. No questions, no exceptions. Stop now. Do not ask why. Do not question my order. Simply STOP. Do it. Now.

Oh my. You clearly are not listening to me. You are, for whatever reason, a reason I simply cannot fathom, still reading this posting. I am sorry to say it, but if you do not stop now, I will have to take serious measures. Serious. Don’t ask what these measures will be — just trust me that you will not like them at all. In fact, they could possibly turn out to be some of the nastiest, most uncomfortable, and disturbing things you could ever imagine. Even in your worst nightmare, you could not comprehend something of this caliber.

Therefore, I highly recommend that — no, strongly URGE — you to halt at this point. I will make it easy for you. I will put an asterisk after this paragraph and that will help you stop. Think of it as a stop sign: when you get to the asterisk, simply STOP reading. Do not continue. I hope that this measure, which I have included as a convenience to you, will help you to stop at that point. For rest assured, you do NOT want to continue past that point. OK, here is the asterisk:

* <– (asterisk)

STOP ALREADY!!!

WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU STILL READING THIS POSTING? HAVEN’T I TOLD YOU ENOUGH? HAVEN’T MY DIRE WARNINGS BEEN SUFFICIENT? I have no choice at this point but to proceed with my drastic measures against you. I will post these measures at a future date. You must read them when the are posted. I am sorry to say that you will not enjoy them one bit, but you must unfortunately follow them to the letter. I will be back. I am sorry it had to come to this.